From: UGA Humor List [HUMOR@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] on behalf of Automatic
digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 2:00 AM
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 7 Jan 2009 to 8 Jan 2009 (#2009-8)
There are 9 messages totalling 504 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
1. Quote of the Day...
2. Latin Seizure
3. American History
4. I'm Not Hungry
5. What's in a name?
6. Two Irish Guys Fishing
7. Traffic Report for December 2008
8. BEST OF WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-03-09
9. NO NURSING HOME FOR US
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 02:59:43 -0500
From: Marianne
Subject: Quote of the Day...
"The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool."
Jane Wagner
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 03:09:00 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins
Subject: Latin Seizure
Carpe Diamond - Sieze the jewelry.
Carpe b.m. - Sieze the poop.
Carpe Dylan - Sieze the folk music.
Carpe Dillon - Sieze the sheriff.
Carpe Doorman - Sieze Carlton.
Carpe Dionne - Sieze the singer.
Carpet Diva - Sieze the snooty girl singer.
Carpe Me-um - Today is my birthday!
[Thanks to AHIO]
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 03:31:33 -0600
From: Marsha in Texas
Subject: American History
A report says high school students aren't very good with
American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test,
a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address
was ALincoln@gettysburg.com..."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 05:07:47 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: I'm Not Hungry
If "If's" and "But's"
Were sugar and nuts
We'd all be poopin' cookies....
-----------------------------------------------
Join the UGA HumorList: http://thehumorlist.com
-----------------------------------------------
_________________________________________________________________
Life on your PC is safer, easier, and more enjoyable with Windows Vista®.
http://clk.atdmt.com/MRT/go/127032870/direct/01/
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 13:31:28 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: What's in a name?
By chance, a man called John Smith witnessed a mugging. About an hour
later, the cops arrived, and the officer in charge asked the witness
his name. "John Smith," John told him.
"Cut the funny business," the cop barked sharply. "What's your real
name?"
"All right," said John, "put me down as Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart."
"That's more like it," said the man in blue. "You can't fool ME with
that Smith stuff."
--------------------------
To subscribe to the Humor List, send an e-mail to:
listserv@listserv.uga.edu and in
the BODY put: sub humor yourfirstname yourlastname.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 13:57:28 -0500
From: Phil Glowatz
Subject: Two Irish Guys Fishing
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees
that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a
genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake
into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into
beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy
says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 14:55:51 -0500
From: Douglas Harter
Subject: Traffic Report for December 2008
Hi, everyone, this is Doug, with this month's traffic report. Once a
month, during the first part of the month, I send the report to
the entire HUMOR list. Welcome to the month of
December, 2008.
Another year is over. Let's look forward to, hopefully, a
good year for The Humor List.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subscribe to the UGA Humor List by sending an e-mail to
listserv@listserv.uga.edu and in the BODY of the e-mail put:
sub humor Joe Smith (Use your name instead of Joe Smith)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
These are the current sites for the archives:
archive.thehumorlist.com (HTML copies of Digests and Yearly
and Monthly Traffic Reports)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Traffic Report for December 2008
Week Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
1 6 6 7 5 6 7
2 5 6 6 6 7 6 8
3 7 6 6 8 5 6 7
4 6 5 6 7 4 7 7
5 6 7 7 8
Dec Nov Dec Dec
2008 2008 2007 2006
# Jokes for the Month: 196 168 238 246
# days of submissions for the Month: 31 30 31 31
Average Jokes per day for the Month: 6 6 8 8
# Contributors for the Month: 14 12 17 18
# New Subscribers for the Month: 8 9 12 9
# Members Unsubscribed for the Month: 18 21 17 32
# Subscribers as of end of the Month: 2458 2466 2536 2613
# Contributors as of end of the Month: 32 33 32 34
# Countries as of end of the month: 56 57 56 58
The above statistics are based on addresses registered to our listserver.
It
does not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.
The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Botswana, Brazil, Bulgaria,
Canada,
Chile, China, Cocos (Keeling) Islands, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Czech
Republic,
Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece,
Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel,
Italy,
Japan, Lebanon, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Mauritius, Mexico, Netherlands,
New Zealand, Portugal, Romania, Russian Federation, Saudi Arabia,
Singapore,
Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sweden,
Switzerland,
Taiwan, Tonga, Turkey, Tuvalu, USA, Viet Nam,
The countries list is generated from the last part of your email address.
If your address doesn't end with a country name, it is assumed to be
from the USA.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Number Submissions By Hour
--------------------------
00 to 11 4 20 20 15 14 26 4 2 6 16 5 6
12 to 23 9 26 3 8 4 2 1 0 0 2 1 2
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now, the Top 15 Contributors. This will show you which
Contributors are sending the most contributions of Humor each month.
Those who are posting every day are noted.
Top 14 Contributors from 12/1/2008 to 12/31/2008
Contributor # Posts
*Paul Benoit 31
*Maurizio Mariotti 31
*Marsha Coleman 31
Marianne E Rantz 30
Bill Stebbins 23
Phil Glowatz 16
Stan Kegel 12
Mickey Hennigan 7
Topolski, Leonard P. 5
Lee Bradley 3
Jim Mica 2
Emko Witteveen 2
Jerry Alen Cole 1
Grady Lacy 1
* - Contributed Every Digest/Day
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The Humor staff is comprised of:
Jay Harman, Listowner
and temporary Examiner & Rules Enforcer
Doug Harter, Archivist and Traffic Reporter
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam), Member Projects Coordinator
Bill Edwards, Founder and Listowner Emeritus
HUMOR GOALS
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor.
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects.
Freedom of expression for contributors.
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning
requirement).
HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
One contribution per day.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms are not to be posted.
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max).
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art or sig file.
A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To Subscribe to the Humor List:
Send an e-mail to:
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A few of the more widely used commands:
Send an e-mail to:
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
GET HUMOR GUIDE become a contributor
QUERY HUMOR check your settings
SIGNOFF HUMOR leave the main list (unsubscribe)
SIGNOFF HUMOR-P leave the contributor's list
SET HUMOR NOMAIL stop all mail for a temporary period
SET HUMOR MAIL receive humor as it is posted
SET HUMOR DIGEST daily collections of humor (default)
SET HUMOR CONCEAL conceal your address from spammers
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And finally, the one feature which has been featured in all Traffic
Reports,
the contribution of Humor. Since, I am not a real regular contributor, I
will
not be providing new Humor. Instead, I will provide a joke from the
archives.
It will be at least 14 months old, so most of you won't remember it. You
will
either see the joke below or a link to the joke, not the actual joke,
although
I will provide the Subject line (Topic). Since there are now HTML
versions
of
all Digests, it will point to the joke itself.
My contribution of Humor from the Archives:
This joke is joke # 3 in the Digest for 9/30/2003
The title of the Joke is: Linguistics
You can read it directly on the HTML Digest for that day at:
archive.thehumorlist.com/Site1/Digests/H0309300.php#Joke3
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Doug Harter, Traffic Reporter and Archiver
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 12:20:52 -0800
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: BEST OF WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-03-09
WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-03-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
#Barack Obama was voted the Most Admired Man in America and Hillary
Clinton was named Most Admired Woman; however Sarah Palin finished
right behind them. It sums up the nation's current mood. If hope and
forgiveness don't work, get the gun. (Argus Hamilton)
#A poll says Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is the naughtiest
politician of the year, beating out Eliot Spitzer and John Edwards. It
took some real work for three democrats to take the top honors away
from everyone involved in the Bush Administration. (Jim Barach)
#Caroline Kennedy says she would have to work twice as hard as other
Senators to prove herself worthy if she is appointed to the Senate.
That means she would have to sometimes put in as many as four hours a
day. (Jim Barach)
#This just in from Hawaii: Barack Obama is reportedly getting a little
surf-bored.(Paul Feehan)
#A passenger gave birth on a Northwest Airlines flight from The
Netherlands to Boston. The landing was bit uncomfortable. All carry-
ons must be stowed in the overhead bins. (Alan Ray)
#There's probably a better chance of the Red Sox bringing back Babe
Ruth than Manny Ramirez. (T. J. Simers)
#The Denver Broncos lost a three-game lead in the AFC West with three
games to go, Now they'll be known as the Mile High Mets. (Dwight Perry)
#On pants-dropping Mike Singletary getting the full-time gig as 49ers
head coach: "So, can we assume his quarterback coach will be Warren
Moon?" (Janice Hough)
#An attractive Michigan teacher was arrested for having sex with her
17-year-old student. In her defense, as a volleyball coach and math
teacher, she claims she was just teaching him how to spike and see how
many times he could get 17 to go into 30. (Pedro Bartes)
#The editor of Gourmet magazine wants the new president to require
that White House menus feature local products. Unfortunately, in D.C.
that would require harvesting road kill. Finally we've found a federal
job for which Rod Blagojevich is qualified. (Scott Witt)
#Transition insiders say that Barack Obama may decriminalize
marijuana. Apparently the economy is so bad that Obama feels the best
way to deal with it is to let everyone get high. (Jim Barach)
#It was awkward when they asked President Bush what his New Year's
resolution is, he said "Our government needs work, but there's no
reason to overthrow it and start a resolution." (Pedro Bartes)
#Sarah Palin doesn't understand what all the fuss is about people
acting like Barack Obama can walk on water. She points out that this
time of year, anyone can do it in Alaska. (Janice Hough)
#Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, just had a baby boy and they named
him Tripp. Really, Tripp? Still, it is better than Sarah’s suggestion:
Joe the Baby. (Alex Kaseberg)
#Caroline Kennedy for U.S. Senate? Madonna should also submit her
name. The two are equal in government experience. Since insiders say
it boils down to name recognition, why give us the daughter of a
president when we can have the mother of God? (Scott Witt)
#The credit bureau Equifax says that consumers are falling deeper in
debt. You would think people would have more money now that they don't
have a mortgage payment or any job related expenses. (Jim Barach)
#The CIA is buying information from Afghan warlords with Viagra. The
only problem is that it is pretty easy to spot the informants now.
(Jim Barach)
#The US military is reporting that 20,000 troops will be sent to the
southern region of Afghanistan where the Taliban insurgency has been
especially tough. I am wondering if West Point dropped "Element of
Surprise 101" from the curriculum. (Jerry Perisho)
#Hamas continues to strongly protest Israel's attacks on its
strongholds in Gaza... mostly because the Israeli action is making it
impossible for Hamas to carry out its mission of killing Palestinians
who aren't members of Hamas. (Jake Novak)
#An Indiana couple who weighed more than 700 pounds combined have
undergone weight-loss surgery on the same day. This is a little-known
medical procedure called synchronized slimming. (Doug Austen)
#A Beverly Hills surgeon used body fat taken from his patients with
liposuction to fuel his two S.U.V.'s. Talk about having junk in the
trunk. (Jeff Sawyer)
#Scientists say that Christmas lights are bad for the planet. Even
Santa Claus is concerned about the environment. He is mating Rudolph
with an elk to make his sleigh a hybrid. (Jim Barach)
#During Seattle's recent snowfall, the mayor decided that the city
streets would NOT be salted because it would be bad for the
environment. So, let me get this straight: you're afraid it's going to
drain into the Puget Sound, a rather large body of salt water? The
next time I think of spinning my wheels, I'll remember the mayor.
Maybe we should have tried pepper? (Tim Hunter)
#The Detroit Lions completed a winless season. Mercifully, many
Detroiters escaped witnessing the humiliation and despair because they
couldn't watch TV, living in their cars. (Norm M.)
#On all the complaining and finger pointing after the Cowboys' season-
ending 44-6 loss: "It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how you lay
the blame." (Drew Curtis)
#Wow, talk about bad karma, It was bound to happen: USC is going to
play Penn State in the Rose Bowl, and O.J. is playing in the state
pen. (Keith Dempsey)
#A sports medicine institute in a Houston hospital is removing pitcher
Roger Clemens' name from its title. The janitor first tried steel wool
and sand paper, but had a hard time getting the name off. Later, just
a little dab of "clear" melted the name away. (Jerry Perisho)
#"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" opened at theaters last week.
Brad Pitt stars as a man who is old when he is born and grows younger
over time. I don't want to spoil the climax, but he grows so young
that in the end he is adopted by Angelina Jolie. (Doug Austen)
#Paris Hilton says she suspects she knows who robbed her of $2 Million
in jewelry from the bedroom of her Beverly Hills home. She says
whoever did it had been in there before. That narrows it down to about
half the men in California. (Jim Barach)
#Eliot Spitzer is on the list of people caught up in Bernard Madoff's
ponzi scheme. Who'd-a thunk that the money he spent on call girls
might have been the only time this year Spitzer got something for his
investment? (Janice Hough)
#Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick were both victims in Bernard Madoff's
alleged ponzi scheme. But on the bright side, it just got a lot easier
to play that "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game. (Todd Long)
#A study reveals teenagers who take the sex abstinence pledge are just
as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not take the pledge.
The problem is these kids have been raised to always obey their
teachers. (Pedro Bartes)
#GM and Chrysler were scheduled to receive the first installment of
their bailout money on Monday, but they still haven't received it yet.
The Treasury says it has the money, but the actual check had to be
ordered from the factory. (Jake Novak)
#Want a real Christmas experience? Fly on Richard Branson's airline
and you too can have a Virgin berth. (Paul Feehan)
#New Year's Eve is Wednesday. How do organizers in Times Square plan
to make the ball fall this year? They will give it to the CEO of a
Wall Street investment firm. (Alan Ray)
#In Times Square, the hookers are offering a New Years Eve special.
For an extra 20 bucks, they'll toot your horn during the ball drop.
(Jerry Perisho)
#We got an invitation to one New Year's Eve party that sounds wild.
It's B-Y-O-B-B. Bring your own bail bond. (Joe Hickman)
#Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com#
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2009 10:29:08 -1000
From: mhennigan
Subject: NO NURSING HOME FOR US
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day,
there is a better way when we get old & feeble.
We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a
combined
long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.
That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any
restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV
movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and
washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have
free shampoo and soap.
$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help
you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap
bus
will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of
the
nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take
your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever,
you
can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii
?
They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No
problem.
They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid
checks
to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an
ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip,
and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to
find
you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
So, when we reach that golden age,
We'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all our email to:
Holiday Inn
Found in my in-box. Author unknown to me.
To subscribe, send an email to LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU with the command
SUBSCRIBE HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname in the BODY of the message.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jan 2009 to 8 Jan 2009 (#2009-8)
********************************************************